Loose delivery 4: The Lesser Evil

BANGALORE HORROR: The police lathi-charge on the fans who had queued up for tickets for the India-England match created much furore in the city last week. The Bangalore Police finally broke their silence on the issue and came out with an official statement on Saturday. " We had to cause minor injury to avoid major injury to the people", said a senior police official.

This "LESSER EVIL" logic was last seen used in 1945 when the Atom bombs were dropped in Japan. "Even though millions of people died, we managed to save the lives of billions more who would've died had the war continued."

The official further explained, "You see. People were forming big queues and hurling abuses. Like some great man once said, 'Injury caused by words is more dangerous than physical injuries'. So before people could hurt other with poisonous words, we beat them up and caused a stampede." Well done, Bangalore Police!

Loose Delivery 3: What's in a name!

Media-person : After days and days of deliberations, you have come up with a name for your team. Can you explain the philosophy behind the name “Indi Commandos Kerala”?

Kochi team Spokesperson : Well. We believe that the name will leverage our brand-value to establish our brand-value in a global competition and make us a unique and innovative organization.

Media-person : Are you an IT guy? Can you explain that in simple English please?

Kochi team Spokesperson : Uh..huh ( Beating around the bush is not working here. Let me improvise.) Ok. You abbreviate the name and what does it give you?

Media-person : It comes to ‘ICK’. It doesn’t make any sense.

Spokesperson : (Whoops! I’m in a hole here). Errr…ok…..Now add the first letter of our local hero Sreesanth’s name.

Media-person : Now it makes sense, but it spells as “SICK”.

Spokesperson : (Whoops! I’m in a deeper hole here). Errr…I meant his nick-name…..Disco-dancer.. So Now it spells…(Lemme think this out)… Err! Never mind. Let’s just stick to my original explanation. (I’m not good at this!)

Loose Delivery 2: The Groin Protector

Ricky Ponting has officially declared that the damage to the LCD TV was caused by pure accident. “I went into the dressing room and threw my Groin protector into my kit. GENTLY, Mind you!! It just bounced back up from the kit bag and hit the TV.” He also said he was frustrated at how the incident was being blown out-of-proportion by the media. “Everyone is concerned about the TV. But what about my groin protector. Who will replace that? Isn’t my groin more important to the cricketing world than a stupid TV!”, he mused.

Meanwhile, this incident has not gone down well with Ricky’s Australian teammates though. “It’s not the bloody TV we are concerned about, it’s the groin Protector. Ricky had been wearing that in the sweltering Indian heat for over an hour. What if it had bounced-off and fallen into one of our Beer Mugs. Yuck!!”, an Australian player commented on condition of anonymity.

But Ponting has found support from his vociferous fans. One die-hard fan quoted, “Ricky is a gentleman. He took his frustration out on his own Groin protector. It’s not like he took someone else’s protector and threw it on the TV.” Another fan came up with a financial analysis, “Ricky can buy them back 10 LCD TVs (with DTH connection) if he wants to just with 1 % of his match fee. Then why this fuss about one TV.”
This gem came from yet another fan of Ricky Ponting, “The frustration that Ponting showed on getting out symbolizes the fighting spirit of the Aussies. I want the Australian govt to declare the ‘Groin Protector’ as the new symbol of Aussie sportsmanship.”

Loose Delivery 1: THE TICKET MATH

BANGALORE HORROR: A new controversy has sprung up regarding the allocation of tickets for the India-England world cup match at Chinnaswamy stadium with more people coming out and demanding separate quotas. But KSCA officials vehemently turned down these demands saying they had to keep the interests of the common man in mind. Unofficial sources quoted Anil Kumble as saying, “ Man! It would have been easier to PLAY in the GODDAMN world cup than manage all these quotas as president of KSCA.”

Here is the current list of Ticket quotas:

Total Capacity: 43,000

Barmy army, horny army and all other armies from England: 10,000

ICC: 5,099 (Nobody will occupy these seats. These are just for the ICC to show its clout to the world)
BCCI: 5,100 (Again these won’t be filled. But the BCCI is just showing the world that it has bigger clout than the ICC)

Ministers, MLAs, lesser-known politicians and people pretending to be politicians ; 10,000
Their wives and children: 5000
Their neighbours and their wives and children : 5,000

Collectors, Police Commissioners, BBMP officials, their wives and children and ‘their’ wives and children : 2800

General Quota : 1 Ticket.

General quota tickets will be on sale to the public at the stadium counters from 21st Feb. Special security arrangements have been made to ensure that people follow the Q-system.